My blogs so far have been written first thing in the morning, after a decent nights sleep. I’m a morning person so I’m pretty useless at 11pm when I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d write my blog as I feel right now. Tired, peed off and unable to sleep.
The inability to sleep may be self induced though after a large coffee mid afternoon or it’s all the drugs I’ve had pumped into me today??
This is day 2 “in the big brother house” and I’ve only got 6 more days to go! I want to roll back into yesterday which was an interesting day to say the least.
I got a phone call at 9am to say there was a bed ready for me and to make my way to the hospital and be there for 10:30. The usual consent forms are thrust upon me to sign my life away, just in case there’s some major disaster, but we have talked this through and you sign it! I’m having a Hickman line (I think that’s what it’s called, I usually switch off when the big words come out!) put into my chest so the drugs can be put into me in a more quickly and safer way than normal?? A fairly uncomfortable procedure, which lasted about 45 mins, I’m done and dusted and I’m back on my ward.
5 minutes later the consultant arrives with........a consent form so I can agree to have the chemo. Wonder what’s happens if I don’t sign it?? I get on very well with the consultant and she’s been very clear and concise with the information she’s told me in the past, we pass pleasantries until she asks the question “do you have any questions?” I had about 40 about 5 mins ago and now all I can remember I one. I know what the answer is going to be but I have to ask it, just for confirmation and it’ll be the answer I don’t want.
So here goes, nervously trying to skirt round asking the direct question, like a young man asking someone out for his first date! In the end I just blurt it out........”so how serious is this?” And I look her straight in the eye and I get that look. That look where she really wants to say that your “pretty fucked mate” but can’t, and she’s replies so eloquently with “this is pretty serious”.
The new plan has gone from 5 hrs of chemo to 5 days of chemo and you’ll be in hospital for 7/8 days, it’s actually 20 hrs of chemo spread over the 5 days. You’ll then have around 3 weeks off and then we’ll do it all again. And if you survive that we’ll do it for a 3rd time. Oh......and there’s only a 50/50 chance that this type of chemo will work.
If this works after 3 lots of chemo, I have a stem cell transplant to look forward to, which I think is another month in hospital?? If this chemo doesn’t work then there is another type of chemo (which is quite new) and only 2 hospitals do it, Manchester and Newcastle. Again this is months in hospital and if that is successful, I have to stem cell transplant to look forward too!
Mentally and physically it’s absolutely draining and as I’ve already mentioned, I can’t sleep and I’ve got another 7 hrs of drugs going into my body tomorrow. This is a mental battle more than a physical one and I’ve been told so many times that if your mind gives up your done.
I use humour a lot to get my through the days but once your treatment finishes then you got to eat, wash, fill in the hours until the next treatment and this is testing me to a place I’ve not been before.
But.........I’m ready for the battle, ready for the fight and definitely not eating the hospital food!
I hope you find some solace in my words and it helps in some way, I know my grammar isn’t perfect but I write this unedited from the heart.
There’s no music this time. I think my mate Paul, thought I’d picked my funeral music??
Much love and thank you for reading ❤️