My last post was nearly 2 weeks ago and I have struggled to find something to write about if I am being honest, I always wanted this to be about helping and not to splutter out some random shite just for the sake of it. My chemo has been going well, I have had no side effects, everything was going along swimmingly...……...until yesterday.
Yesterday, was my meeting with my consultant to check everything is going well so I can have my chemo session today, which would have been my 3rd. We sat down and went through everything quite quickly, I seemed to be a formality, she was saying things like "that's good", "i'm pleased with that", "we'll continue with that", " a scan before your 4th chemo session" and now bugger off out of my office! She then asked if had any questions and I said "no, not really, but I did wonder what these were?" and showed her the lumps on my neck!!
Her reply was "oh" and that was it, now she is frantically scribbling out all of the plans that we've just put together and were going so well. "That is not good Mr Lormor" and one thing I have learned is, if your being addressed as Mr Lormor then there is a great big boot about to kick you up the arse. I have a full examination of my neck, the lumps and my lymph areas for any other lumps, nothing extra is found and we go through a chat around when these lumps appeared...…..they actually turned up to the party last week, just before the weekend.
So.………..now the new plan is this, I am having a PET scan on Friday, I believe this is a more detailed scan and by the end of this week the consultants will have had their meeting to discuss my new plan of action. The consultant proposed a new course of chemo which is a lot stronger than I was having and given as an inpatient over a number of days, the info I was given yesterday about this new chemo sounds fucking horrendous but hey ho! And a possible stem cell transplant was also discussed. I am guessing that plan will be laid out to me next week.
I am in limbo for the next few days, which I hate, but very little I can do. That thought of being in control of even a tiny bit has been taken away for the next few days and I am waiting on phone calls and results. I fell asleep on the rug of the living room floor last night and obviously when I got to bed, sleeping was the last thing on my mind. Thoughts and plans are whirling through my head, I am doing my exercises that I have been given from the sleep therapist, I am anchoring myself (that's not a euphuism while the missus is asleep) its an actually technique to "ground myself" and nothing is helping.
I have a song on my phone Vide Cor Meum - See My Heart,
I first heard this the first time I watched the film Hannibal and thought it was the most beautiful song I'd heard. This song really helped me in a really difficult period of my life 11/12 years ago and I've always kept it on my phone. I played it over and over again last night and I finally fell asleep while it was still playing and I hope it brings some joy and comfort to anyone who listens to it.